The Bible.. (Not so fire and brimstone version).
Genesis.
In the beginning there was bugger all.
And God said, Let there be light: and one phonecall to Northern Ireland electricity board later, there was light.
And God saw the light and it was good. 60 Watts. Then he saw the final demand from N.I.E, and Britains Got Talent, and that wasn't so good.
And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. That came in handy as that's what we call them too.
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. This later went on to be marketed as Tena Lady, and it was so.
And God (there are a lot of "And God's in this bit, well there is no-one else around yet)made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so. God liked a good firmament, in fact he played with His firmaments regularly.
And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. God was trying to impress the new boss, and this was unpaid overtime.
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, Ireland!, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. But only so everywhere else. In Ireland it continually pissed down.
And God called the dry land Earth, thus creating a name which would later be used by low budget sci-fi films and luntics; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas, because Dorito's had already been taken as a name and God's lawyers handeleth not another court case: and God saw that it was good, well.....apart from Bangor.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, so Liverpool had something to hammer Manchester United on, the herb yielding seed for the Vegans to get wood over, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth (where else would it be?): and it was so. In fact it was so-so that it was almost really so!
And the evening and the morning were the third day. (God punched out at 6:30 p.m and even skipped lunch.)
And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. The 3rd light wen't un-noticed as he'd been smoking the aforementioned grass and forgot he invented it. He also forgot Sarah Palin's brain and Steve Jobs human side. God was slacking a bit.
And the evening and the morning were the fourth day. Thursday 7:32 p.m. Hammer-time.
And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. In other words God made fish and birds. But being the Bible they like to pad out a weak story a bit to make it important sounding.
And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good, well until a newly created pidgeon shit on his Hummer, God didn't see the good side of that one, in fact he be verily pissethed off indeed and needeth the Holy Handkerchief. God loved that SUV.
And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, in other words shag a lot, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth. But keepeth them away from mine Hummer and new Harley sportster.
And the evening and the morning were the fifth day. God rushed home because CSI Miami was on.
To be continued..........
