Genesis (Part II: The Revenge of Phil Collins)
1:24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing ( later to be known as The Labour Party) , and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
1:25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. Then he saw the Platypus and pubic lice, and verily realiseth he had a sense of humour unlike many of His post guidebook followers.
1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, apart from Tony Blair: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and with dangly bits that causeth confusion, pleasure and potential ridicule in public restrooms.
1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.He createth nagging also, so that man cannot rest for 5 minutes no matter what he doeth.
1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Faileth this and I give thee Viagra, and it was so. This worrieth the beast also, especially in Wales, where the sheep get nervous about dinner time.
1:29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which includeth Super Skunk, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. And if that doesn't work, I giveth thee Tesco and the local butchers, for munchies createth havoc amongst the seed users.
1:30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. And lo God also createth Cypress Hill and Snoop Dog, who smoketh the meat that was every green herb within 20 yards.
1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. The Union saw what God had done, but He hath signeth a contract and six day weeks He could not escapeth.
2:1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, which means he settled for very little on the most part, and all the host of them (Including Ricky Lake and Jerry Springer).
2:2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. God was knackered.
2:3 And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made, though He also forget to include the seventh day on his liquor license, so He cannot partake of a pint. And lo, he sayeth Oh Bugger.
2:4 These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens,
2:5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground, and God created Charlie Dimmock, who tilleth the ground and maketh a patio and seated area with barbeque, and who was part man, part cleavage.
2:6 But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. This He maketh happen every day in Ireland, and lo the people inventeth umbrellas to use during the smoking ban.
2:7 And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and several bits of Lego He hath laying around, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
2:8 And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed, Charlie Dimmock.
2:9 And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food, and even some dodgy ones that provideth a jippy tummy and the squits; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil, also known as Wikipedia in years to come.
2:10 And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. And just like the Spice Girls, these four heads were useless and served little purpose.
2:11 The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;
2:12 And the gold of that land is good, unlike that of Ratners and H.Samuels: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
2:13 And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia. And its uselessness later inspireth Bob Geldof to as for our fucking money.
2:14 And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
2:15 And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. He dress it with clothes from War on Want, and lo it goeth about as a Japanese sniper from WWII.
2:16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: but wait for it, wait for it.....hang on a mo!
2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die, or at least get piles so that thou prayeth for a quick death, failing that there is Big Brother and the X Factor.
2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. God skipeth third year English, and not formeth his sentences in any particular order, but He was God, so geteth away with it.
2:19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. 76 of them were called Dave, and two were known as WTF? (which later becometh The Cheeky Girls).
2:20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. For Adam hath a willy, and had gotten a hangover horn and the beast of the earth not Adams cup of tea.
2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs the sneaky bastard, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; knit one, pearl two, Liverpool score draw.
2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. On that account I'm having one of mine turned into Cindy Crawford.
2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones (and later he would find out what his bone was for), and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. By all accounts most of them should be taken out, but God inventeth the Human Rights act, Womens Lib and PETA.
2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. This the wife will never leteth you forget, and shall inherit the earth with a good divorce lawyer.
2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. This was an early version of dogging, but God forgeteth to invent the automobile.
